What Happened

In my last post, I said I would tell you what went wrong with the anesthesia.  Here it is....
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      I never fully went to sleep; you know that part where you close your eyes at night and try to sleep?  That's where I was stuck; the only thing is, I couldn't move.  Not a finger, not a sound, I couldn't even change my breathing pattern; it was like someone else had taken over my mind and was controlling my body, but I was still there.  When I finally woke up from that black world of blazing pain and discomfort, the one thing I wanted to do was scream.  Scream until I couldn't speak, til I couldn't see, til I couldn't remember.  Anesthesia has always messed with my head but nothing like this has ever happened.... ever.
     When I woke up, my mouth opened to scream, to let everything out, but I clamped it back shut and started shaking and twitching until the nurse looked at me and I managed to whisper out a lie, "I'm cold."   When they left, I took the sheet that covered me and stuffed it into my mouth and screamed until there was nothing left in me.  It would definitely not be good thing for me to wake up screaming like a banshee; since the surgery was in my face, there's always a chance there could be brain damage and me screaming would lead them to believe that.
    When my mom came into my room, I had taken the sheet out of my mouth and hid the wet part and had gained composure.  Who on earth would believe me?  I barely believed it myself; the whole thing had the logic of a bad dream.   But when  I looked through my memories and the searing pain came back to me, I realized that there was no way I had ever imagined the ordeal.  With my mom came two nurses who gave me the blanket that I didn't need and when they left, I told my mom what had happened.  I'd like to think she believed me without any doubt, but the doubt was still there, plain on her face.  So I changed the topic to the Starbucks I had been promised and uttered a few fake laughs and dropped the topic.
     But now, people forget about it and I must remind them.  Remind them of what I have been through and what will never ever escape my memory for as long as I live.  My own invisible scar.


You level off but its not all right now
You need to understand
There's nothing strange about this
You need to know your friends
I'll be waving my hand watching you drown
Watching you scream
Quiet or loud
Maybe you should sleep
Maybe you just need a friend
As clumsy as you've been
There's no one laughing
You will be safe in here